Every week goes by so fast this month when I’m not working. Business is also slow. Haizzzz. July doesn’t like me I guess. I don’t have much work, don’t have much business flow and don’t spend much time with loved one even though it’s summer. We live in the same house but the time we spend together roughly an hour every day, except when we sleep on the same bed.
I sometimes think about what is more important. I don’t know I’m a bit lost here. I’m scared to let go…
I’ve been keeping track of the time we spent together. It’s like my every day diary. I can’t believe what I’ve found. I thought that we have always been spending lots of time together, but we didn’t really. It seemed like it because we’ve been living under the same roof. The time he’s away from me every year from 1 months to 3 months, I forgot to count that.
I lost track of the time no wonder once in awhile I wish I had some fun like teenager who just started to fall in love for the first time.
At first it was like a privilege to be the girl who he could live with for so long. Then I started to realize if he couldn’t live together like that how could we build a family together. He always told me that he had never spent that much time with someone for that long. He had never lived with someone for that long. They always had spaces in between. At one point I wanted to move out-move back to my dad’s house. But he said it was okay to stay together. But from time to time he kept bringing that up like he had given me the chance to live with him…LoL. I must be stupid for sticking around. Well, actually I am kind of ignorant.
I feel like I’m the best girlfriend he would ever have. I don’t bug him on the phone every time he goes out. I let him fuck other chicks but just don’t bring it into our relationship. I give him all the spaces he want. I cook for him. I clean the fucking house once in awhile. I do laundry and fold his clothes. I pay for utility. I pay for food time to time. I never ask him for money to spend. I barely ask him to buy me stuff only once in awhile when I really like something and I want him to be the one gives it to me. I can buy them myself but it’s something special I want him to buy for me. I barely complain. In fact I take complain from him a lot. Now after writing all this, I really feel like a doormat =)).
But it’s me. I will love and I will leave without regret. I don’t want to leave someone if later I am going to regret that. I will love someone until the day I can’t anymore then I will leave. I will leave with a smile on my face knowing that my decision is final and there is no turning back. I can’t leave if I am going to cry over and over again for that one person. Relationship ends is when I can’t love that person anymore.