Every week goes by so fast this month when I’m not working. Business is also slow. Haizzzz. July doesn’t like me I guess. I don’t have much work, don’t have much business flow and don’t spend much time with loved one even though it’s summer. We live in the same house but the time we spend together roughly an hour every day, except when we sleep on the same bed.
I sometimes think about what is more important. I don’t know I’m a bit lost here. I’m scared to let go…
I’ve been keeping track of the time we spent together. It’s like my every day diary. I can’t believe what I’ve found. I thought that we have always been spending lots of time together, but we didn’t really. It seemed like it because we’ve been living under the same roof. The time he’s away from me every year from 1 months to 3 months, I forgot to count that.
I lost track of the time no wonder once in awhile I wish I had some fun like teenager who just started to fall in love for the first time.
At first it was like a privilege to be the girl who he could live with for so long. Then I started to realize if he couldn’t live together like that how could we build a family together. He always told me that he had never spent that much time with someone for that long. He had never lived with someone for that long. They always had spaces in between. At one point I wanted to move out-move back to my dad’s house. But he said it was okay to stay together. But from time to time he kept bringing that up like he had given me the chance to live with him…LoL. I must be stupid for sticking around. Well, actually I am kind of ignorant.
I feel like I’m the best girlfriend he would ever have. I don’t bug him on the phone every time he goes out. I let him fuck other chicks but just don’t bring it into our relationship. I give him all the spaces he want. I cook for him. I clean the fucking house once in awhile. I do laundry and fold his clothes. I pay for utility. I pay for food time to time. I never ask him for money to spend. I barely ask him to buy me stuff only once in awhile when I really like something and I want him to be the one gives it to me. I can buy them myself but it’s something special I want him to buy for me. I barely complain. In fact I take complain from him a lot. Now after writing all this, I really feel like a doormat =)).
But it’s me. I will love and I will leave without regret. I don’t want to leave someone if later I am going to regret that. I will love someone until the day I can’t anymore then I will leave. I will leave with a smile on my face knowing that my decision is final and there is no turning back. I can’t leave if I am going to cry over and over again for that one person. Relationship ends is when I can’t love that person anymore.
It hurts. It hurts so bad that my want to bang my stupid head or get a sharp knife cut through my chest to release this pain. It makes me want to die. I can’t even cry properly. It’s like I don’t have any more tear cry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone. It’s already hurt like hell just to think about the man I’m with is with someone.
Stupid me for digging so deep that I can’t even get out.
People always say “love hurts”. It’s true. It hurts so bad that you won’t even feel pain if accidentally you get cut by something.
Something about this feeling of love that makes people suffering from it. It’s an invisible kind of string that bonds people together and every time you get out of it, a piece of your soul goes with it. An invisible string that can make people scar for as long as it remains in your heart. The scar you carry may never fade away. It’s a scary string. It looks like it doesn’t have power but the truth is, it controls your soul and body and everything belongs to your body. I hate it. If it ever happens to me that one day I no longer in this love, I will still be satisfied with what I have experienced. It’s an experience that I’ll never forget and will never dare to try again in my living life. It drains enough of my energy.
Sometimes, You have so much on your head that you want to write down. Then, the moment you sit down in front of your computer, the words, the thoughts disappear. It always happens to me.
I want to write my story. I want to write my thoughts. I want to express my feeling to the Universe. I want someone to see my blog and read it… But I don’t have the courage to show it myself.
It’s been 4 years since we started dating. And now we’re in a deep, loving relationship…Yet inside, something is eating out of me and I don’t know how long I can handle it. I have to admit that I am quite persistent. Even though I’m the type of person who gives up on things easily, with this relationship I have been very patient. I don’t even know what I’m waiting for. I don’t even know what the heck I’m doing. I don’t even know if I want to build a family. I don’t know.
Once in awhile I feel like giving up on this relationship and then things work out; I am happy again and the relationship is back on track. We never hit a break down point that I can walk away from it. I wonder if I’m too soft or if there is an invisible string that I’m holding onto.
Our relationship is a complicate one. A relationship that I never have expected to happen to me. A relationship that opens my eyes to the world. A relationship that educates me about sex, love and human relationship between each other. A relationship that brings so much tears and joys. A relationship that makes me a jealous person become a person who doesn’t really care to be jealous anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what this man has brought to my life that makes me stick to him for so long. I am loved but confused. He’s such a sweet talker. He can sweet talk anyone. That’s why so many women fall for him even though they know he’s in relationship; yet they throw themselves at him just to get some of his attentions. Although I know our relationship is secured, I still can’t stand the thought of him spending time with another woman. We have the openness of not to lie to one another or cheat on each other. We are like best friend. We share our thoughts and insecurities. I appreciate honesty and he just gives me what I want to know. Perhaps that’s the reason why I stay with him for so long. And then it hits me. Honesty can be a double edges knife toward me. I ask for honesty and he’s always honest with me. I know the truth and I can’t do anything. I feel sad for myself too.
Anyway, the point is, now that I know he’s out spending time with one of the gopi (my term for his side hoe), I’m sitting at home, watching the clock to see how long he will be home. I’m kind of counting the time he spends with me and with his gopi to see which one he spends more time with. Even though we live together, the time we spend together is barely because he’s in his office working most of the time. If I want to argue, I have to have proof and I’m doing it. Normally I don’t keep track of things, but since he always fights like I’m the wrong one I will have to prove me right.
Loneliness can very help a person to be more creative.