“Live the way you want to live” is what people always tell you, but they don’t know about the journey to getting to live the life you want to live isn’t that easy. I’ve always had a vision of me living in a farm, on a green grass field in a small house with my small family for 10 years already; yet I’m not even any close to my vision. The funny thing is that the more I’m trying to work it out to get there the farther I get away from there.
Some people are able to have the freedom and don’t need to care about what’s going on around them because they don’t have any burdens to worry about. They have supports from their families so they can do whatever they want and go wherever they want. I am sometimes jealous of them but I still appreciate the life I live. For some reasons, I’m not really as supportive to my family as I think I am. Still, something is holding me back without letting me run away to my vision. I want to do a lot of things but I haven’t really done anything great.
Once in awhile I feel like running away to a remote area or a mountain and start all over again…I seriously would love to do that. Perhaps one day I will. There’s one place on earth that I really want to visit. I want to see if I can live there for the rest of my life, Seychelle. I haven’t been there yet, I see some of my boyfriend’s pictures he took with his ex haha.
Every week goes by so fast this month when I’m not working. Business is also slow. Haizzzz. July doesn’t like me I guess. I don’t have much work, don’t have much business flow and don’t spend much time with loved one even though it’s summer. We live in the same house but the time we spend together roughly an hour every day, except when we sleep on the same bed.
I sometimes think about what is more important. I don’t know I’m a bit lost here. I’m scared to let go…
I’ve been keeping track of the time we spent together. It’s like my every day diary. I can’t believe what I’ve found. I thought that we have always been spending lots of time together, but we didn’t really. It seemed like it because we’ve been living under the same roof. The time he’s away from me every year from 1 months to 3 months, I forgot to count that.
I lost track of the time no wonder once in awhile I wish I had some fun like teenager who just started to fall in love for the first time.
At first it was like a privilege to be the girl who he could live with for so long. Then I started to realize if he couldn’t live together like that how could we build a family together. He always told me that he had never spent that much time with someone for that long. He had never lived with someone for that long. They always had spaces in between. At one point I wanted to move out-move back to my dad’s house. But he said it was okay to stay together. But from time to time he kept bringing that up like he had given me the chance to live with him…LoL. I must be stupid for sticking around. Well, actually I am kind of ignorant.
I feel like I’m the best girlfriend he would ever have. I don’t bug him on the phone every time he goes out. I let him fuck other chicks but just don’t bring it into our relationship. I give him all the spaces he want. I cook for him. I clean the fucking house once in awhile. I do laundry and fold his clothes. I pay for utility. I pay for food time to time. I never ask him for money to spend. I barely ask him to buy me stuff only once in awhile when I really like something and I want him to be the one gives it to me. I can buy them myself but it’s something special I want him to buy for me. I barely complain. In fact I take complain from him a lot. Now after writing all this, I really feel like a doormat =)).
But it’s me. I will love and I will leave without regret. I don’t want to leave someone if later I am going to regret that. I will love someone until the day I can’t anymore then I will leave. I will leave with a smile on my face knowing that my decision is final and there is no turning back. I can’t leave if I am going to cry over and over again for that one person. Relationship ends is when I can’t love that person anymore.
It hurts. It hurts so bad that my want to bang my stupid head or get a sharp knife cut through my chest to release this pain. It makes me want to die. I can’t even cry properly. It’s like I don’t have any more tear cry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone. It’s already hurt like hell just to think about the man I’m with is with someone.
Stupid me for digging so deep that I can’t even get out.
People always say “love hurts”. It’s true. It hurts so bad that you won’t even feel pain if accidentally you get cut by something.
Something about this feeling of love that makes people suffering from it. It’s an invisible kind of string that bonds people together and every time you get out of it, a piece of your soul goes with it. An invisible string that can make people scar for as long as it remains in your heart. The scar you carry may never fade away. It’s a scary string. It looks like it doesn’t have power but the truth is, it controls your soul and body and everything belongs to your body. I hate it. If it ever happens to me that one day I no longer in this love, I will still be satisfied with what I have experienced. It’s an experience that I’ll never forget and will never dare to try again in my living life. It drains enough of my energy.
Sometimes, You have so much on your head that you want to write down. Then, the moment you sit down in front of your computer, the words, the thoughts disappear. It always happens to me.
I want to write my story. I want to write my thoughts. I want to express my feeling to the Universe. I want someone to see my blog and read it… But I don’t have the courage to show it myself.
It’s been 4 years since we started dating. And now we’re in a deep, loving relationship…Yet inside, something is eating out of me and I don’t know how long I can handle it. I have to admit that I am quite persistent. Even though I’m the type of person who gives up on things easily, with this relationship I have been very patient. I don’t even know what I’m waiting for. I don’t even know what the heck I’m doing. I don’t even know if I want to build a family. I don’t know.
Once in awhile I feel like giving up on this relationship and then things work out; I am happy again and the relationship is back on track. We never hit a break down point that I can walk away from it. I wonder if I’m too soft or if there is an invisible string that I’m holding onto.
Our relationship is a complicate one. A relationship that I never have expected to happen to me. A relationship that opens my eyes to the world. A relationship that educates me about sex, love and human relationship between each other. A relationship that brings so much tears and joys. A relationship that makes me a jealous person become a person who doesn’t really care to be jealous anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what this man has brought to my life that makes me stick to him for so long. I am loved but confused. He’s such a sweet talker. He can sweet talk anyone. That’s why so many women fall for him even though they know he’s in relationship; yet they throw themselves at him just to get some of his attentions. Although I know our relationship is secured, I still can’t stand the thought of him spending time with another woman. We have the openness of not to lie to one another or cheat on each other. We are like best friend. We share our thoughts and insecurities. I appreciate honesty and he just gives me what I want to know. Perhaps that’s the reason why I stay with him for so long. And then it hits me. Honesty can be a double edges knife toward me. I ask for honesty and he’s always honest with me. I know the truth and I can’t do anything. I feel sad for myself too.
Anyway, the point is, now that I know he’s out spending time with one of the gopi (my term for his side hoe), I’m sitting at home, watching the clock to see how long he will be home. I’m kind of counting the time he spends with me and with his gopi to see which one he spends more time with. Even though we live together, the time we spend together is barely because he’s in his office working most of the time. If I want to argue, I have to have proof and I’m doing it. Normally I don’t keep track of things, but since he always fights like I’m the wrong one I will have to prove me right.
Loneliness can very help a person to be more creative.
Có đôi lúc cuộc sống bề bộn làm cho con người ta quên đi mất giá trị thật sự của cuộc sống là gì. Cơm áo, gạo tiền đã làm cho con người ta trở nên lạnh lùng hơn, hoặc chỉ biết suy nghĩ như thế nào để làm ra tiền. Tôi cũng vậy. Lúc nào trong đầu tôi cũng suy nghĩ mình phải kinh doanh như thế nào để có tiền vô hàng ngày mặc dù thật lòng mà nói tôi chỉ muốn trở thành một người vợ, một bà nội trợ đảm đang trong gia đình. Nhưng cái tôi của tôi nó quá lớn để có thể mở miệng nói rằng mình chỉ muốn làm một người nội trợ. Tôi muốn chăm chú vào nấu ăn, có thời gian để tần mẫn những món khác nhau hoặc nghiên cứu làm các món dưa muối.v.v.. nhưng vì công việc và suy nghĩ bù đầu bù cổ, tôi không thể nào tập trung vào những thứ nội trợ trong nhà. Có khi cả tuần lễ cũng chưa giặt đồ mặc dù ở nhà có máy giặt máy sấy sẵn. Quét dọn nhà cửa thì chắc cũng hai ba tuần mới dọn một lần. Vì tâm trí tôi đã lo hết cho công việc, không còn suy nghĩ cho việc dọn dẹp nhà cửa nữa. Có đôi lúc cũng muốn dọn sạch sẽ lắm nhưng mà lười, chi muốn thời gian thử giản sau khi bận rộn với công việc.
May mắn thay là tôi chưa kết hôn và sinh con. Nếu như có một ngày nào đó như vậy không biết tôi có sức để chịu đựng không. Chứ trước mặt tôi đã thấy mệt mỏi rồi. Có đôi lúc, có người yêu và sống chung với nhau thì mới thấy được cuộc sống gia đình như thế nào. Mặc dù không chính thức là vợ chồng nhưng cùng nhau chia sẻ mỗi khoảnh khắc trong cuộc sống cũng đủ để trải nghiệm. Có điều hai người yêu nhau, sống chung với nhau nhưng không bị ràng buộc bởi một tờ giấy của pháp luật. Nếu như sau này không còn yêu nhau nữa thì cứ thanh thản ra đi mà không cần đến sự can thiệp của bất cứ người nào. Vì thế mà tôi không quan trọng quá vấn đề về hôn nhân và gia đình lắm. Nếu như một ngày nào đó, chúng tôi quyết định đi đến hôn nhân chẳng qua là giữ của của hai đứa đã tạo ra. Hoặc chúng tôi nghĩ đến sẽ có những đứa trẻ. Nhưng mà chuyện có con là một chuyện xa vời vì chính bản thân tôi lại sợ lo cho con nít. Tôi sợ sinh ra rồi tôi không biết lo như thế nào.Tôi sợ nhìn con nít loi nhoi lóc nhóc nhức cả đầu. Bạn bè tôi đa số đều đã lấy chồng, lấy vợ và có con, còn tôi thì vẫn cứ thanh thản cặp bồ. Có lẽ như thế đã là quá đủ với tôi. Tôi cũng chẳng mơ mộng gì hơn đến hôn nhân. Nếu như người tôi yêu cầu hôn thì tôi sẽ chấp nhận, còn không thì cũng chẳng sao. Tôi cứ thảnh thơi mà sống thôi.
Có nhiều cưới chồng rồi, sống một thời gian rồi lại chán. Nhưng không bỏ được vì trót lỡ có con. Tôi thấy những người phụ nữ đó thật là tội nghiệp. Yêu nhau thì cái gì cũng màu hồng, nhưng khi đã thành vợ chồng rồi thì cái màu hồng đó bắt đầu bị nhạt phai. Người phụ nữ sẽ trở nên tều tuỵ nếu như không lấy đúng người chồng tốt. Số phận phủ nữ sau khi lấy chồng thì sẽ phụ thuộc vào hoàn toàn người chồng. Nếu người đàn ông ấy tốt thì chị em sẽ được sung sướng. Còn lấy phải thằng đàn ông tồi, vũ phu thì chị em lại khỗ. Muốn bỏ mà bỏ không được mà thương thì cũng không xong. Nghĩ đến những cảnh đó thì tôi lại sợ lấy chồng.
Haizzz, chán đời ngồi viết lách tâm sự đời.
If I could go back to the past I would. Every time I look at old photographs from the 1900’s, it intrigues me to imagine how life would be around those times. I sometimes have visions of me being in one of those eras. I always feel butterfly in my stomach when I think about life in the past.
If there were no past, there wouldn’t be future…But me being born in 1987 kind of suck. I’ve felt like I have some undone business in past life that’s why once in awhile I have the urge to go back to the past to do something :/. It sounds weird but I do feel it strongly every time I see old photographs. Or maybe I watched too much fantasy films :(.
I wonder if there is really past life. I wonder if there is possibility for reincarnation?