Sometimes, You have so much on your head that you want to write down. Then, the moment you sit down in front of your computer, the words, the thoughts disappear. It always happens to me.
I want to write my story. I want to write my thoughts. I want to express my feeling to the Universe. I want someone to see my blog and read it… But I don’t have the courage to show it myself.
It’s been 4 years since we started dating. And now we’re in a deep, loving relationship…Yet inside, something is eating out of me and I don’t know how long I can handle it. I have to admit that I am quite persistent. Even though I’m the type of person who gives up on things easily, with this relationship I have been very patient. I don’t even know what I’m waiting for. I don’t even know what the heck I’m doing. I don’t even know if I want to build a family. I don’t know.
Once in awhile I feel like giving up on this relationship and then things work out; I am happy again and the relationship is back on track. We never hit a break down point that I can walk away from it. I wonder if I’m too soft or if there is an invisible string that I’m holding onto.
Our relationship is a complicate one. A relationship that I never have expected to happen to me. A relationship that opens my eyes to the world. A relationship that educates me about sex, love and human relationship between each other. A relationship that brings so much tears and joys. A relationship that makes me a jealous person become a person who doesn’t really care to be jealous anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what this man has brought to my life that makes me stick to him for so long. I am loved but confused. He’s such a sweet talker. He can sweet talk anyone. That’s why so many women fall for him even though they know he’s in relationship; yet they throw themselves at him just to get some of his attentions. Although I know our relationship is secured, I still can’t stand the thought of him spending time with another woman. We have the openness of not to lie to one another or cheat on each other. We are like best friend. We share our thoughts and insecurities. I appreciate honesty and he just gives me what I want to know. Perhaps that’s the reason why I stay with him for so long. And then it hits me. Honesty can be a double edges knife toward me. I ask for honesty and he’s always honest with me. I know the truth and I can’t do anything. I feel sad for myself too.
Anyway, the point is, now that I know he’s out spending time with one of the gopi (my term for his side hoe), I’m sitting at home, watching the clock to see how long he will be home. I’m kind of counting the time he spends with me and with his gopi to see which one he spends more time with. Even though we live together, the time we spend together is barely because he’s in his office working most of the time. If I want to argue, I have to have proof and I’m doing it. Normally I don’t keep track of things, but since he always fights like I’m the wrong one I will have to prove me right.
Loneliness can very help a person to be more creative.