To those who have loving parents, appreciate them and take care of them for I have never had the chance to really experience it. I sometimes wonder what would it be like to be able to sit down and talk to my parents about all my troubles without being judged as a useless person, or tell them my ideas without being told that my idea wouldn’t work or it’s a stupid idea…
I’ve spent my time waking up every morning thinking of whether or not dislike my parents is the right thing to do. However, I can’t help myself but start putting the pieces together and I realize that, I don’t like my parents at all. On the moral ground of Asian culture, I am a bad child…And I think, I’ll just take that.
I have been cursed since the day I was in my mama’s belly. There was time that I wished I wasn’t born.
I wasn’t lucky to have both parents together when I was born. I wasn’t lucky to have a home to be born into and I wasn’t lucky to grow up in a home with either my mother or my father there.
I’ve never blamed them for what I had gone through since I was a child. I didn’t get to see my father not until I was roughly 12 years old. The memory of my mother wasn’t clear at all to me, not until I was 11. Blame it on destiny, or my fate.
Growing up without mother or father wasn’t easy but they weren’t on my mind most of the time. My grandma was my acting parent. She was with me since the day I was born. She took care of me since I was little where my mom had gone somewhere else. Blame it on destiny, or my fate.
I was a poor child. Living with grandma, without knowing about father or much about mother I got made fun of as an orphan. I was sad and I wished I had parents but I’d never questioned my grandma about them. The only memories that I had with my mom was: she was there in one new year eve; she was there with her boyfriend in one Christmas eve and got me a big red balloon and left after a few minutes. I wish she would take me to go see the light with her too. Few times my mother would visit and I was always afraid to go to sleep because when I woke up my mom would be gone. It happened like that every time. It was suck to be a child who longing for her mom to come visit and it rarely happened. Blame it on my fate.
Yet I had never resented toward my mother or my father. The day I met my mom again was around March 1999, I was 11. My grandma and my mom got into a verbal fight. I didn’t really know what to feel other than accepted the fact that I finally saw my mother again. Even though I had a mother then, it still felt like it was just my grandma and I.
1999 was a life turning point for me. A few months after I met my mother again, I met my father for the first time. I had never seen him before, but I just recognized him even for the first time. I didn’t hesitate for a second and called him Dad.
It was like my wish had come true at the end. I got my parents in front of my eyes. It wasn’t long before I realized that I’d rather not knowing my parents and having the best imagination of my ideal parents instead. That’s why, be careful of what you wish for because you may not like it.
Life was so simple with my grandma. The only thing we had to do was to work hard to survive and make end meet, and hoped that we didn’t fall into sickness.
My mother blamed me for being born because it ruined her. She got mad at my dad and she blamed me for it. She told me to tell my dad to give back her virginity or all those years of her suffering. She said he would never be able to repay her what she had lost. I wondered if she ever thought about my feeling at all after saying those words.
I have to admit that I have a very dysfunctional family from both side, mom and dad.
They cheated on each other and I still got the blame. I wondered why? I told myself that if I ever have kid, I would never ever ever let my kid feels the way I’ve felt about my parents. I don’t hate them. I just don’t like them.
What kind of dad would crush a dream of his daughter. What kind of dad would disregard and discourage whatever idea that his daughter shared with him.
Perhaps, when you start getting to know someone, they may not turn out like the way you have imagine.
Now that I am 31 years old and looking back, I can’t help but want to have nothing to do with my parents at all.
moonlightsentinel
