moonlightsentinel

Who knows what the future would be like…

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It’s June

Posted by moonlightsentinel on June 1, 2019
Posted in: Uncategorized. Leave a comment

It’s June,

Half of a year already. Time flies and yet I haven’t got anything done this year even though I have planned it so perfectly. Now I know I shouldn’t be planning stuff because shit doesn’t happen as I plan it. There is always something happening to interfere with my plans.

I have a problem that I can’t fix…I’m too much into my alone time. I can’t be hanging out with people for so long. The most time I can spend with someone is a day or 2. After that I need my time. The only person that I can handle and want to be with is someone I truly love, the man I desire. Even so, if I am with the person for so long I will start to need time for myself.

It drives my crazy when people want me to pay attention them all the time. I can’t do that shit. I can’t be responsible for your happiness. Yet I feel neglected when the man I love doesn’t pay attention to me. I try to not surround my world into one person, but it seems hard for me especially when I can barely see the person at all. I thought I was done with love, then shit happens. I fell in love hard and deep with someone who’s married. I know it’s not the right thing to do but I can’t help myself at all. I can’t walk away from it and I can’t get closer to it. I am stuck in the middle of my own crossroad. I know that it’s my decision… I am working on it. I just need to be able to walk away. Perhaps, one last time…

Scars

Posted by moonlightsentinel on May 27, 2019
Posted in: Uncategorized. Leave a comment

To those who have loving parents, appreciate them and take care of them for I have never had the chance to really experience it. I sometimes wonder what would it be like to be able to sit down and talk to my parents about all my troubles without being judged as a useless person, or tell them my ideas without being told that my idea wouldn’t work or it’s a stupid idea…

I’ve spent my time waking up every morning thinking of whether or not dislike my parents is the right thing to do. However, I can’t help myself but start putting the pieces together and I realize that, I don’t like my parents at all. On the moral ground of Asian culture, I am a bad child…And I think, I’ll just take that.

I have been cursed since the day I was in my mama’s belly. There was time that I wished I wasn’t born.

I wasn’t lucky to have both parents together when I was born. I wasn’t lucky to have a home to be born into and I wasn’t lucky to grow up in a home with either my mother or my father there.

I’ve never blamed them for what I had gone through since I was a child. I didn’t get to see my father not until I was roughly 12 years old. The memory of my mother wasn’t clear at all to me, not until I was 11. Blame it on destiny, or my fate.

Growing up without mother or father wasn’t easy but they weren’t on my mind most of the time. My grandma was my acting parent. She was with me since the day I was born. She took care of me since I was little where my mom had gone somewhere else. Blame it on destiny, or my fate.

I was a poor child. Living with grandma, without knowing about father or much about mother I got made fun of as an orphan. I was sad and I wished I had parents but I’d never questioned my grandma about them. The only memories that I had with my mom was: she was there in one new year eve; she was there with her boyfriend in one Christmas eve and got me a big red balloon and left after a few minutes. I wish she would take me to go see the light with her too. Few times my mother would visit and I was always afraid to go to sleep because when I woke up my mom would be gone. It happened like that every time. It was suck to be a child who longing for her mom to come visit and it rarely happened. Blame it on my fate.

Yet I had never resented toward my mother or my father. The day I met my mom again was around March 1999, I was 11. My grandma and my mom got into a verbal fight. I didn’t really know what to feel other than accepted the fact that I finally saw my mother again. Even though I had a mother then, it still felt like it was just my grandma and I.

1999 was a life turning point for me. A few months after I met my mother again, I met my father for the first time. I had never seen him before, but I just recognized him even for the first time. I didn’t hesitate for a second and called him Dad.

It was like my wish had come true at the end. I got my parents in front of my eyes. It wasn’t long before I realized that I’d rather not knowing my parents and having the best imagination of my ideal parents instead. That’s why, be careful of what you wish for because you may not like it.

Life was so simple with my grandma. The only thing we had to do was to work hard to survive and make end meet, and hoped that we didn’t fall into sickness.

My mother blamed me for being born because it ruined her. She got mad at my dad and she blamed me for it. She told me to tell my dad to give back her virginity or all those years of her suffering. She said he would never be able to repay her what she had lost. I wondered if she ever thought about my feeling at all after saying those words.

I have to admit that I have a very dysfunctional family from both side, mom and dad.

They cheated on each other and I still got the blame. I wondered why? I told myself that if I ever have kid, I would never ever ever let my kid feels the way I’ve felt about my parents. I don’t hate them. I just don’t like them.

What kind of dad would crush a dream of his daughter. What kind of dad would disregard and discourage whatever idea that his daughter shared with him.

Perhaps, when you start getting to know someone, they may not turn out like the way you have imagine.

Now that I am 31 years old and looking back, I can’t help but want to have nothing to do with my parents at all.

 

Almost 4 years

Posted by moonlightsentinel on May 14, 2019
Posted in: My Love Story. Leave a comment

Dear blog,

Last entry I posted was from August 2015, it’s been 3 years and 9 months since the last time I have written anything on here. This blog was forgotten for awhile and now here I am writing on it again…

Same old me, with new troublesome thoughts; and life has been hectic…I’ve fucked up my own happiness again. This blog is like a best friend that I have left for someone else then when I fuck up, I come back to the best friend just to express my feeling and emotion, to share my loneliness.

I often start something, doing it for awhile and then leaving it…like this blog. I started the blog a long time ago because I was young, naive and lonely. I didn’t know who I could share what inside my head with, so writing was a way to get it out…I think it’s still is. Perhaps, this time I’ll write it better. I hope.

My trouble is always about Love. I can’t seem to be satisfied. I was in a long term relationship, almost 5 years. At the end, it didn’t work out. I knew I would leave one day but didn’t know exactly when, but deep down I knew that that person and I would never work out. I still dipped into it. Love is like Kryptonite to me, and I can’t seem to get away from it. I can say that I have sacrificed my youth, my time just for love even when the love is going nowhere. I’m stubborn and I can’t change it. Sometimes I wonder, is it just me being stupid to love or just the idea of being in love makes me stupid. Or maybe, I am just addicted to the pain…I definitely love to be loved by someone wholeheartedly. Someone I can completely count on, and completely passionate about the person.

I have found the person that I desire passionately but…he’s married. My new story starts from here…

The Moon,

 

Some thoughts

Posted by moonlightsentinel on August 24, 2015
Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: where I want to live. Leave a comment

“Live the way you want to live” is what people always tell you, but they don’t know about the journey to getting to live the life you want to live isn’t that easy. I’ve always had a vision of me living in a farm, on a green grass field in a small house with my small family for 10 years already; yet I’m not even any close to my vision. The funny thing is that the more I’m trying to work it out to get there the farther I get away from there.

Some people are able to have the freedom and don’t need to care about what’s going on around them because they don’t have any burdens to worry about. They have supports from their families so they can do whatever they want and go wherever they want. I am sometimes jealous of them but I still appreciate the life I live. For some reasons, I’m not really as supportive to my family as I think I am. Still, something is holding me back without letting me run away to my vision. I want to do a lot of things but I haven’t really done anything great.

Once in awhile I feel like running away to a remote area or a mountain and start all over again…I seriously would love to do that. Perhaps one day I will. There’s one place on earth that I really want to visit. I want to see if I can live there for the rest of my life, Seychelle. I haven’t been there yet, I see some of my boyfriend’s pictures he took with his ex haha.

Love or loved

Posted by moonlightsentinel on July 16, 2015
Posted in: My Love Story. Tagged: age, complication, life, love. Leave a comment

Every week goes by so fast this month when I’m not working. Business is also slow. Haizzzz. July doesn’t like me I guess. I don’t have much work, don’t have much business flow and don’t spend much time with loved one even though it’s summer. We live in the same house but the time we spend together roughly an hour every day, except when we sleep on the same bed.

I sometimes think about what is more important. I don’t know I’m a bit lost here. I’m scared to let go…

I’ve been keeping track of the time we spent together. It’s like my every day diary. I can’t believe what I’ve found. I thought that we have always been spending lots of time together, but we didn’t really. It seemed like it because we’ve been living under the same roof. The time he’s away from me every year from 1 months to 3 months, I forgot to count that.

I lost track of the time no wonder once in awhile I wish I had some fun like teenager who just started to fall in love for the first time.

At first it was like a privilege to be the girl who he could live with for so long. Then I started to realize if he couldn’t live together like that how could we build a family together. He always told me that he had never spent that much time with someone for that long. He had never lived with someone for that long. They always had spaces in between. At one point I wanted to move out-move back to my dad’s house. But he said it was okay to stay together. But from time to time he kept bringing that up like he had given me the chance to live with him…LoL. I must be stupid for sticking around. Well, actually I am kind of ignorant.

I feel like I’m the best girlfriend he would ever have. I don’t bug him on the phone every time he goes out. I let him fuck other chicks but just don’t bring it into our relationship. I give him all the spaces he want. I cook for him. I clean the fucking house once in awhile. I do laundry and fold his clothes. I pay for utility. I pay for food time to time. I never ask him for money to spend. I barely ask him to buy me stuff only once in awhile when I really like something and I want him to be the one gives it to me. I can buy them myself but it’s something special I want him to buy for me. I barely complain. In fact I take complain from him a lot. Now after writing all this, I really feel like a doormat =)).

But it’s me. I will love and I will leave without regret. I don’t want to leave someone if later I am going to regret that. I will love someone until the day I can’t anymore then I will leave. I will leave with a smile on my face knowing that my decision is final and there is no turning back. I can’t leave if I am going to cry over and over again for that one person. Relationship ends is when I can’t love that person anymore.

The Moon

Hurt

Posted by moonlightsentinel on July 12, 2015
Posted in: My Love Story. Tagged: hurt, life, love. Leave a comment

It hurts. It hurts so bad that my want to bang my stupid head or get a sharp knife cut through my chest to release this pain. It makes me want to die. I can’t even cry properly. It’s like I don’t have any more tear cry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone. It’s already hurt like hell just to think about the man I’m with is with someone.

Stupid me for digging so deep that I can’t even get out.

People always say “love hurts”. It’s true. It hurts so bad that you won’t even feel pain if accidentally you get cut by something.

Something about this feeling of love that makes people suffering from it. It’s an invisible kind of string that bonds people together and every time you get out of it, a piece of your soul goes with it. An invisible string that can make people scar for as long as it remains in your heart. The scar you carry may never fade away. It’s a scary string. It looks like it doesn’t have power but the truth is, it controls your soul and body and everything belongs to your body. I hate it. If it ever happens to me that one day I no longer in this love, I will still be satisfied with what I have experienced. It’s an experience that I’ll never forget and will never dare to try again in my living life. It drains enough of my energy.

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